Begin this procedure by putting kitten in his bed for a sleep:
Now follow the numbered steps below:
1. Separate wool tops into pieces for each layer.
2. Tease out wool fibres and begin to lay out in very fine tufts over the resist.
3. Retrieve other pieces of wool tops that kitten has grabbed and run away with into the next room to chew and play with.
4. Continue laying out fine tufts of fibres.
5. Peel off last few tufts of fibres kitten has run through and disturbed, straighten, then re-lay.
6. Put kitten on floor.
7. Remove residue of fluffy wool fibres from kitten's mouth.
8. When first side of template is complete, cover with net and sprinkle with water to wet down the fibres.
9. Remove kitten from the spare piece of net he is playing in.
10. Put kitten on floor.
11. Put kettle on for cup of tea.
12. Remove kitten with wet paws from puddles of splashy water on the surface of the felt.
13. Hold kitten in air while he shakes the water off his paws.
14. Put kitten on floor.
15. Turn template over, carefully fold over overlapping fibres from other side, and commence laying out fibres on second side.
16. Repeat steps 2-7.
17. Make cup of tea and stroke kitten.
18. Put kitten in next room and shut door.
19. Turn template over to first side again.
20. Peacefully for 30 seconds commence laying out fibres for second layer.
21. After 30 seconds shut ears to pitiful wailing emerging from next room.
22. Continue laying out until pitiful wailing turns to kitten-yowling. This is much, much quieter than cat-yowling but more distressing and harder to ignore.
23. Let kitten in.
24. Kitten will be extraordinarily delighted to see you after what has amounted to about two and a half minutes of separation, and will begin purring ecstatically, looking adoringly at you and saying silently 'Please never leave me alone like that ever, ever again, I am the sweetest most adorable kitten in the world, I love you and I will be good.'
25. Stroke kitten.
26. Talk to kitten sternly about the importance of being able to continue working.
27. Put kitten in his bed.
28. Continue laying out fibres on both sides of the template until there are three layers on each side and felt and kitten are wet.
29. For the felting stage cover with net and sprinkle soap flakes on felt then add hot water. Rub the felt gently to keep all the layers in place. At this stage the kitten will join in trying to rub the felt, but won't be gentle and may use claws.
30. Put kitten on floor. Brush off surplus soap flakes from kitten's head.
31. Kitten will by now have worked out that the fastest way to access the felting table is not by a series of chair-hopping manoeuvres, but straight up your legs.
32. Put kitten in next room, shut door and work extremely quickly, getting the felt ready to be rolled before giving-in to pathetic meowing.
33. Give in to pathetic meowing and let kitten in, kitten will again be delighted to see you and will need a cuddle.
34. Explain to kitten you will be rolling the felt and he should watch. Put kitten on floor.
35. Commence rolling.
36. Disentangle kitten's teeth from edge of bamboo blind.
37. Put kitten on floor.
38. Commence re-rolling, alternating directions.
39. Remove kitten's front paws from bamboo blind.
40. Put kitten on floor.
41. Make more tea.
42. Check watch to see when it is time for glass of wine too.
43. If too early for wine, try chocolate.
44. Remove kitten who will be sitting on felt while you have made tea/poured wine/eaten chocolate.
45. Put kitten on floor.
46. Continue rolling the felt until piece has hardened to the correct degree, alternating steps 35 through 45 as necessary.
47. Rinse felt and leave shaped to dry.
Kitten will now be looking tired, and will curl up in his bed and sleep for the next three hours, which is by coincidence precisely the amount of time you have spent trying to felt.
But he will be ready to play the whole game again tomorrow.
Thank you. I can't stop smiling. You have finished my day of so well. That was just sooooooooo well written.
ReplyDeleteColette
Oh, well done! To Archie for being such a great help, and to you for this brilliant writing! This is something that should be making the rounds of the internet, akin to "How to Pill a Cat."
ReplyDeleteOnly a couple of additional comments:
1. I think we are hard-wired to respond to plaintive, piteous baby sounds, no matter whether human animal or non-human animal. I can't resist Derry's cries now, because even though he's an adult cat, his cries are more like baby squeaks. I have "SUCKER" written across my forehead, as do you. LOL. In a good way, of course.
2. It's *always* 4 o'clock somewhere, hence there is no need to hesitate on pouring yourself a glass of wine...or something stronger. :-D
Hahahaha! Archie is going to be quite the fiber artist! What would you do without him?:)
ReplyDelete4 o'clock for a glass of wine, not 6? My kind of girl! That was a great post and so much more like most of our attempts at being creative than we might be led to believe in the 'brochures'.
ReplyDeletelol what a fab post! did you want a puppy to add to your fun by any chance, I have one free to a good home lol :-)
ReplyDeleteThat was fantastic! What a lovely description, I can just picture him splishinga paw in the nice puddles. And I LOVE the photo of him in the net, so funny
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I was a bit worried that the said kitten might actually become part of the felted project - a weird little black tufty bit squidged in a corner!!! fab blog. Parcel all ready to post in the morning. Thanks - Jo
ReplyDeleteWhat a great tutorial :-D I have never enjoyed one so much. A fellow fur and felt lover.
ReplyDeleteHILLARIOUS !!
ReplyDeleteI can't stop laughing!!! One of my cats looks just like yours. Mine is such a naughty little kitten. Not long ago my sister sent me a felted heart, and my cats have both been attacking it and carrying it around the house like a mouse . Pretty soon it is not going to look like a heart anymore. (I have pictures of both my cats and the felted heart on past posts, so i hope you will come by for a visit.)
ReplyDeleteI laughed out loud reading your post especially when I got to the wine and chocolate. A girl after my own heart. Your kitten is adorable! love Kathy xxx
ReplyDeleteoh my gosh, now i have tears of laughter rolling down my face!!! but how can anyone resist such an adorable little bundle of mischief, it's a miracle you manage to get any felting done at all :)
ReplyDeletei have a similar but slightly different difficulty in that my o-h seems to think that me trying to felt is a signal for him to come and distract me! he is equally as distracting/noisy/endearing as your kitten though so i can sympathise with you :)
Thank you so much for the birthday wishes! You're a real sweetie:) ~Angela
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