Begin this procedure by putting kitten in his bed for a sleep:
Now follow the numbered steps below:
1. Separate wool tops into pieces for each layer.
2. Tease out wool fibres and begin to lay out in very fine tufts over the resist.
3. Retrieve other pieces of wool tops that kitten has grabbed and run away with into the next room to chew and play with.
4. Continue laying out fine tufts of fibres.
5. Peel off last few tufts of fibres kitten has run through and disturbed, straighten, then re-lay.
6. Put kitten on floor.
7. Remove residue of fluffy wool fibres from kitten's mouth.
8. When first side of template is complete, cover with net and sprinkle with water to wet down the fibres.
9. Remove kitten from the spare piece of net he is playing in.
10. Put kitten on floor.
11. Put kettle on for cup of tea.
12. Remove kitten with wet paws from puddles of splashy water on the surface of the felt.
13. Hold kitten in air while he shakes the water off his paws.
14. Put kitten on floor.
15. Turn template over, carefully fold over overlapping fibres from other side, and commence laying out fibres on second side.
16. Repeat steps 2-7.
17. Make cup of tea and stroke kitten.
18. Put kitten in next room and shut door.
19. Turn template over to first side again.
20. Peacefully for 30 seconds commence laying out fibres for second layer.
21. After 30 seconds shut ears to pitiful wailing emerging from next room.
22. Continue laying out until pitiful wailing turns to kitten-yowling. This is much, much quieter than cat-yowling but more distressing and harder to ignore.
23. Let kitten in.
24. Kitten will be extraordinarily delighted to see you after what has amounted to about two and a half minutes of separation, and will begin purring ecstatically, looking adoringly at you and saying silently 'Please never leave me alone like that ever, ever again, I am the sweetest most adorable kitten in the world, I love you and I will be good.'
25. Stroke kitten.
26. Talk to kitten sternly about the importance of being able to continue working.
27. Put kitten in his bed.
28. Continue laying out fibres on both sides of the template until there are three layers on each side and felt and kitten are wet.
29. For the felting stage cover with net and sprinkle soap flakes on felt then add hot water. Rub the felt gently to keep all the layers in place. At this stage the kitten will join in trying to rub the felt, but won't be gentle and may use claws.
30. Put kitten on floor. Brush off surplus soap flakes from kitten's head.
31. Kitten will by now have worked out that the fastest way to access the felting table is not by a series of chair-hopping manoeuvres, but straight up your legs.
32. Put kitten in next room, shut door and work extremely quickly, getting the felt ready to be rolled before giving-in to pathetic meowing.
33. Give in to pathetic meowing and let kitten in, kitten will again be delighted to see you and will need a cuddle.
34. Explain to kitten you will be rolling the felt and he should watch. Put kitten on floor.
35. Commence rolling.
36. Disentangle kitten's teeth from edge of bamboo blind.
37. Put kitten on floor.
38. Commence re-rolling, alternating directions.
39. Remove kitten's front paws from bamboo blind.
40. Put kitten on floor.
41. Make more tea.
42. Check watch to see when it is time for glass of wine too.
43. If too early for wine, try chocolate.
44. Remove kitten who will be sitting on felt while you have made tea/poured wine/eaten chocolate.
45. Put kitten on floor.
46. Continue rolling the felt until piece has hardened to the correct degree, alternating steps 35 through 45 as necessary.
47. Rinse felt and leave shaped to dry.
Kitten will now be looking tired, and will curl up in his bed and sleep for the next three hours, which is by coincidence precisely the amount of time you have spent trying to felt.
But he will be ready to play the whole game again tomorrow.